This thought has popped into my head a thousand times, creating a place that is so me, you can see the cheetah print and smell the coffee from a mile away. So, welcome to my first post where I want to say hi and how are ya?
I recently graduated college, online, I KNOW! HOW? and with the way the world works 2020 has not kicked off to the start that I thought it would. So, now I am going to capitalize on it and make some changes for myself as we don’t really know what tomorrow holds. I am HUGE on mental health and making sure that whatever I am doing at the time, I want to be doing it and that I love it. Which sounds way easier than it actually is and this has taken me a really long time to get here. So with that being said, welcome to my world and let’s get connected. This is going to be a mixture of tips/tricks, moods, mental health, and things that I do in my life that I think could be helpful in yours. Whether it is simply to make sure you know you are not alone, sharing stories, or the day-to-day m a d n e s s we all face at some point in our lives.
Happy to see you, can’t wait to get to know you.
Xx,
HMadz
photo: mckennayeskin.com – @mckmansfield on Instagram
Well to say it’s been a minute would be the understatement of 2020 and there were plenty of those already.
I took some time off because I had LOADS of life things happening. For those of you who don’t know, I moved across the country in August.. my first big girl thing I think I have ever done. I packed up my apartment in California, packed our car to the absolute brim (literally no room for people so that was good), and grabbed my dog and we took off. We took a bit of time – I think it was about a week to get from point A to B. I went through many states I had never seen before andddd then there were some that I don’t really need to ever see twice haha. This move was purely because of the way the world kind of happened. I switched careers in the middle of all of this and have been keeping my head down since. I guess I needed to breathe a bit before I got back in the swing of things, because this wasn’t a small thing for me – and I wanted to make sure my mental health and stress levels went down before I tried to make sense of it all. I also feel that you need to not be present on social media because society expects it and “it’s weird” when you are quiet on there because it’s life – no life is happening in front of you and it’s okay to not need to share every bit of that.. ya know?
I am a creature of habit, change is tough for me sometimes but I actually didn’t realize how badly I needed it?! I am the girl that goes to the same restaurant every week because I know I like it – so moving across country where you don’t necessarily know anything was very intimidating to me. Let me tell you having a list of new places to go to and experience is RAD and I love to travel so this was that, magnified. I feel that it was supposed to happen and when 2020 played out the way it did, it was supposed to happen right then. I am so grateful and thankful I had a place to land for a bit and I have the most supportive family and friends who I didn’t know I had the data to FaceTime every moment of every day.. RIP to my cellular data plan. When I say, I missed my people that might actually be the biggest understatement of the year. If all else went to sh** this year, I had my people and that is what got me through it all. I think when you go through your seasons of change and confusion you know where you stand with a lot of people and thats the clarity we really need all the time but moments of stress and distance can make that pretty clear, pretty fast. Put the energy into people who put the energy into you. That’s something that I live by and always will.
I don’t know where I was taking this little blog of mine but I just wanted to pop in and say hello, hi, I am here even though it may have seemed like I disappeared. I think we all kind of hit this disappearance act this year in some way – we needed to in a weird way.
I think the one thing I want to say to you all is, take the jump, take the leap, if it’s meant to be the universe will let you know that. I can’t tell you how many days I would just wait until I got a sign of what I was supposed to be doing and you might not get the direct answer but you will certainly get the direction you need to head in. I think that is the most beautiful thing about this weird world, it takes it shape when it needs to and sometimes things are supposed to crumble around you so you can rebuild them again. If nature can burn down only to grow back again, then so can we and that is something that really scared me for a long time.. can I rebuild myself? Well ya know what, I am and I always will. Because it isn’t where you are, it’s who you are with and I can say my cup is forever runnithing over.
The biggest thing that I think this time of change has done for us is catapult us all into growth. Whether that is in a career, a move, a life change, etc. we are all being pushed to grow and find what we want to put our roots into. Thinking about that is absolutely terrifying and can cause a lot of panic and anxiety but this is what I have come to terms with. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes plans are meant to be changed.
As I settle into solitude and figuring out where it is I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing, and what it all means for me and my family I keep thinking about the families around the world who have lost members or are struggling in such harder ways than I could possibly imagine. I am so grateful and blessed that my family is all healthy, home, and ticking each day off the calendar like champs. It is absolutely nerve-wrecking to not know what my future is or where I am supposed to shifting to but also, it is pushing me in more ways than I thought it would. I am definitely the planned out kind of person, I know what my life is going to look like (to an extent) in the next year to three years and have always been really prepared for the “where do you see yourself in five years” question. Right now? I don’t know where I see myself in a week or month even and that is so unsettling to me but also okay and that has taken me basically two months in quarantine to be okay with.
This is the first time in my life that I have never been scheduled out with something and that is where I get a little uncomfortable because it’s just not something I am used to. I like that this is making me work a little harder to come out of my comfort zone and push my brain and my creativity more than it ever has been. Don’t get me wrong, there are many days that all I do is watch Love Island U.K. or Greys Anatomy but there are other days that I am researching and creating and living in the comfort of my own home which I am so thankful to have. There is a lot of unknowns, unexpected things, and uncertainty in all of this and it is freaking terrifying. I am such a fixer I just want to fix all tough situations and help everyone I possibly can. I am a strong two when it comes to the enneagram test, also known as ‘The Helper’. Times like these weirdly bring out my best self because I truly just get to work, I find things through the day that I can do or improve, I read so much, I check in with all my people and make sure that everyone is taken care of. I am definitely a nurturer and helper in all situations and this just so happens to bring that out a bit more.
So whether you got laid off, are moving to another state, or just learning more about yourself everyday.. here’s to you. Here’s to every person out there right now bettering themselves and trying to offer tips to their community, solely to encourage growth and prosperity in a time like this. Then on the flip side, here’s to every single person out there terrified and unsure, taking each day one minute at a time because the next minute might be too overwhelming to think about. We are all figuring out who we are, what we like to do, and things that truly make us happy. Happy to be home, healthy, and finding the things that make my brain tick.
If you know me, you know that I am the definition of an extrovert. But let me back up a second, if you don’t know an extrovert is “an outgoing, overtly expressive person”, but there is also an introvert which is a “shy, reticent person.” – that is off Google. Do you know which one you are?
I am the true meaning of an extrovert, I love to meet new people, I thrive in chaotic social situations, I love to talk, go on adventures, connect with humans and would rather spend most of my day with my friends or family than be alone. If I don’t have human interaction for awhile, I shut down and get super super quiet. So, you can imagine that this quarantine for me has been extremely tough. I call my mom first thing in the morning and then immediately hang up and call my sister right after. I then call them throughout the day about a hundred times – that’s how well I am coping. However, I am also a massive homebody. I love my space, I love to be at home in my comfort zone and if I am gone for too long, I like to take some time to recover and just stay put without any plans. I am an extreme extrovert that gets drained and overwhelmed if she is not at home for too long (it’s weird, I know). Does anyone else get like this or know what I mean?
When I was a kid being outgoing was easy for me, I wanted to be everyone’s friend. As soon as I hit middle school and high school, I shut down. I was not as outgoing, definitely didn’t mind having a very small group of friends or even just one or two. I moved high schools three different times which seems crazy, I know. I switched freshman year to sophomore because everyone at that school just wasn’t really a friend to me and I needed to go somewhere I felt like I could thrive in. Then I moved to Orange County my junior year and struggled really hard with that transition. It was definitely tougher to make friends here because in a small town like this one they all grew up together so everyone knew everyone, and nobody knew the new girl. I guess I got comfortable in being alone at that point and it really became about quality of friends rather than quantity. It took me graduating, doing college online for four years and starting my first real job to find my confidence and my extrovert side again. It came with age and I feel like that part of me will continuously adapt or grow and I love that.
Confidence to me is being comfortable in myself, knowing that my sense of humor, my sassy attitude, and my wit is definitely strong and it is all from my momma (Hi Mom!). It is knowing that I will NEVER have perfect skin, no matter how freakin’ hard I cleanse, moisturize, and hydrate – it will never fully love me and that’s okay (sometimes, it really bothers me though haha). It is knowing that every single person on social media either all looks the same or extremely different and I can not and will not compare myself. It comes with being happy with yourself and who you are and loving yourself enough to stick up for yourself, not be in that toxic relationship you swore was healthy to everyone else but yourself. It is finding your voice when nobody else will do it for you, and it is allowing yourself to grow, adapt, and change and knowing that is the most beautiful thing a human can do. I love human connections and I think that it is the one thing that can’t be taken from us, unless we take it from ourselves. I think that I have changed in the last few years fifty times and I love that I am able to mentally spread my roots farther and allow myself more sunlight to grow.
You might be saying well that sounds easier said than done, it is! Believe me, this has been years of wanting to change so many things about myself to now coming to love each freckle because my mom would always tell they were angel kisses. It won’t happen right away and hell it won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
So here are the five things I want you to ask yourself every day, write it down in a journal and see how those answers change over the course of six months to a year.
What is one thing you like about your appearance?
What is one thing you love about your personality?
What is something you can do today to positively impact someone or something else? (because self confident people are positive influences on society!)
What is one thing that made you happy today?
What is one thing you said to yourself that was negative today and how can you fix that tomorrow?
Let me know if you answer these questions and how it works for you! Confidence doesn’t mean you have to be an extrovert and being an extrovert doesn’t mean you have to love being away from your home and comfort zone. Self confidence and self love are the biggest keys to thinking positive thoughts and loving yourself. Stop saying the word hate in your daily vocabulary if you’re allowing it to come back on what you hate about yourself.
You are you and that is your power.
Sending you all the love and light this week. Love yourself.
You all have seen my guy about a zillion + times, so you very much know who he is and that he is my rock, my support, and my world. However, there’s more to his story and mine that I have only touched on a few times. So, let me give you a little insight into our story and how we have gotten here.
Bodie is a (almost!) three year old, Blue Merle Mini Australian Shepherd. He is everything that an Australian Shepherd is known for, he is neurotic, OCD, extremely stubborn, but THE smartest dog I’ve ever known. I took him as my own about a year after I moved out because it was proving that both boys together was a lot of work and they fed off each others energy, each having their own anxieties and issues to overcome, they actually did better apart (but they saw each other every day still!). I got him into training shortly after he became mine full time, with SoCalK9 (linked her contact info because Megan is my saving grace, the holy grail, and our forever confidant). Little man is extremely protective, he only lets a small amount of people into his pack, he is the true meaning of a herder and doesn’t trust anyone he doesn’t know. He also doesn’t approve of any dog out there besides his brother, Sully. It came to a point where he barked and freaked out at everyone we walked by, who looked at me, or tried to come into our life. So, intro Megan. She came and met him and instantly built a plan out for his anxieties and we did basic 101 training with him and then he got into “working” which I will get into. Bodie, being the best thing that I’ve ever had became the most overwhelming thing in the world and I would cry every time we would go on a walk because it was just so much to handle. I didn’t know how to handle his anxieties or his need to protect me against the world until I met Megan. Now I know every little tick that he has, what will upset him, what his different barks mean, his body language and what each little mouth movement means. I know this dog better than I know anything else. I dove into his world and became an expert on Bodie, because it was the only way I could understand him and help him overcome it all.
I have had the most judgmental looks and nasty comments made about how bad of an owner I am, how awful my dog is, how he should get some serious help, etc. You think it, it’s probably been said. I have talked to many people about this and have cried with a few because they are going through it too and are so happy to know they weren’t doing it alone. Once I found our trainer and started the solo sessions I felt better. The group classes we’ve attended is where I found my community. People that understand what it’s like and who don’t judge, they want to help and are the most encouraging people when I have cried and almost given up. At the end of the day, he is the most rewarding thing out there and I want to encourage you, to not give up and know that you will get through it and you will have the biggest bond in the world with your pup.
We started “working” Bodie, which for a Shepherd it’s one of the things they say they need because they get bored and need to use their brain throughout the day. Sit, stay, come, heel, down, place, etc. he can learn a command in about 15 minutes so this is where he excels in class. Working is a way to get them utilizing their skills that they have and making him do tasks to tire his little brain and calm his anxiety. We also attend a group class where we are “working” the whole time and are put in situations where he might not like it but he has to really work hard and use his brain the entire time. Throughout the course of a year I have bawled my eyes out, just held him, and jumped in the air because of a small win. Let me tell you, the BIGGEST rewards come from the smallest wins when you have a guy like him. I never gave up. I never will. We have been through it all together and we have the upmost love and respect for each other that I will never doubt him and his capability again. He trusts me to put him through tough positions and I trust him enough to get through those situations. I am the proudest mom in the world with him and I will never take a small win for granted ever again. I couldn’t have done any of this without Megan and her belief in him and her belief in me. So, if you have a dog that is tough and protective and you can’t do most normal things that you’d want to do like to do, like go to a coffee shop and sit outside or walk a farmers market, just know we are a small community behind you and there are people out there who can help, people to talk to, just don’t let yourself give up on them because they will never give up on you.
Throughout our first three months of it, our next six months, and the last year I have seen him excel more than I ever thought possible. If I move or say a word he is listening so intently to get ready for his next command. Yes, we have bad days still, just like a human he has days where he’s on or he’s super off. I have learned that like me we can’t ever expect him to be a certain way that day and he needs patience and understanding just like we do. I have learned more patience and understanding with him than I ever have in my life. He pushes me to my end but he loves me with all of his being and that never fails. So, I will never fail him.
This has given me the confidence and the strength to bring another pup into my life, who has had a very hard life. She was abused in her past, is terrified of most things, and is going to take a lot of patience and understanding. Bodie and I know what that is like and are going to teach her that just like people there will be good and bad days and there will days where we fall flat and days where we overcome it all. We will teach her that it’s okay to not be on all the time and at the end of the day, we have her back and will love her.
Bodie has taught me love has no boundaries and we will get through everything together. Through training with Megan and our friends at group class we can overcome our bad days and we all cheer for him on his good days. He is a different type of pup and for that I am so extremely thankful.
Here’s to every dog momma or dad out there who struggle with this, who have dealt with this, and who get up each morning and try harder for them than they did the day before. We got this. They got this. You are one of the few strong enough to do it and brave enough to try.
Hold your pups close, spoil them, love them, and never give up on them or yourself.
March, one of the most trying months for many of us, has finally come and gone after what felt like forever. If you lost your job in March, cried more times than what feels normal to you, or every other stress that has decided to arise during this time, just know we made it. It’s the small wins right now and to know that we made it through March is a very large win in my book.
April, another month where the contents are very much unknown. Whether you are still in quarantine until the middle of the month or if you happen to be like me where it has been extended to the end of the month.. let’s all just take a d e e p breath together right now. This is going to be another trying month and who knows when if it will actually be over by then. All I can do is take it one day at a time and know that I am doing my part for humanity right now. There is a lot out there that is do everything you can do at home and get after it! I am here to tell you, if you don’t – IT’S OKAY. It’s more than okay, you don’t need to be changing the world while you are in quarantine, you don’t need to clean out your entire house and reorganize every room, and you certainly don’t need to write an autobiography or journal every day if you don’t want to. Some days I am super productive and clean, organize, purge, etc. and other days I watch T.V. all day and do a puzzle and that’s about it. There is no right way to be in quarantine because we are all figuring it out as we go. If you have kids and your day is spent keeping them busy and you feel the nine thousand other things you have to do start piling up. Just remember you’re doing all that you can and take a sip of wine and tell yourself there is still tomorrow. That is what we have right now, time. There is always the “I don’t have enough time in the day” well now we do and if we don’t get it done today we have tomorrow.
The race against time is something I have always tried to outrun. I have always wanted to be older, faster and have more of my life figured out, quicker. Now I am being forced to slow down and to figure out my life one moment at a time as it is changing day by day. The future right now is something so unknown and uncertain and to most that is so scary and to some that is how they thrive. The only thing we know for sure is we have the time to figure it out. We have the time to take it one day at a time and do everything and sometimes do nothing at all. I am a very regimented person, I like to have plans and know what my week looks like ahead of time but right now it is making me go out of my comfort zone and do what I can in the time that I have. I know this isn’t an easy thing to find your happy medium with because when we aren’t forced to stay home we want to stay home but the second we are told to stay home it seems unbearable. I try and find time for myself every day even if it is the only thing I actually did. Whether it’s to read my book, stretch, lay in the backyard in the sun, or have a glass of wine. I am promising myself a few minutes everyday dedicated to doing what I feel I need that day.
So, if you are a parent, a dog parent, isolating alone, or with family, take a few minutes for yourself. It is needed and it is the only time we don’t have any other excuses for it. With all the time in the world right now, we have no reason to not breathe for ourselves. That is the only thing we can do, make sure our health stays up, our families health stays up, our mental health stays up, our families mental health stays up.
Check in on your friends, family, neighbors and make sure they are healthy and mentally doing what they need to do for themselves. Here’s to another month of knocking the calendar down one day at a time and just making it through this alive and well.
Sending all the positive vibes, hugs, and good health to you that I can.
I have been a member on Amazon since 2013 which doesn’t seem crazy but I was sixteen at the time and if you go scrolling through the history of what I have bought.. all I can say is yikes.
BUT! I have found some amazing things over the years and created a little list of all my faves. Everything from clothing, to beauty, to a Nut Milk Bag (which is to make at home almond milk, just to preface). I mean the list gets pretty ALL over the place but they are all noteworthy. I will keep adding to my favorites list as I continue to get new things so keep checking back!
I also have added my book club books on there too, which I linked separately in my last post but I added some gems into this section as well.
Click the link below to go to my storefront! Have any requests for items on Amazon? Message me and let me know!
Books are my favorite way to disappear from reality and dive into a different one. I have been in Forks Washington with the Cullens, on a boat with Huck and Finn, and going to Hogwarts for years on end to pass my O.W.L.S.
I have been a bookworm since I was a kid and can thank my mom and sister for handing me books instead of a computer or television. As I have gotten older this has become even more of my sanctuary and it is something I want to share with you as I find good ones. During this time of isolation, I have been diving into every other world that I can so I want to share some of my favorites in hopes that you can find peace during this time too.
Join the #HMadzBookClub and let me know what world you’re escaping into. I will add more as I have an order from Powells coming next week.
Stay as positive as you can, we are in this together.
Why is it that when we are told to stay at home it is nearly impossible, but when we have plans all we want to do is stay at home?
It is about day twelve for me, since I started to self isolate. This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I feel incredibly alone, anxious, and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I definitely am one of those people who likes to be over informed because I like to be prepared. I feel like I can be more prepared if I know what is happening or what is coming. I am very much a homebody but for some reason this has been so incredibly painful to just stay put.
My anxiety has been so up and down, I feel like I never really know how I will feel that day. People around the world are dying, layoffs are happening in every direction, the grocery stores look like a full apocalypse is happening. I never thought I would be thinking about how much toilet paper I have and if it’s going to be enough. Fear should not win here, but every day I feel like I should melt into it. I look around and see every neighbor or friend on social media just out and about and it is making me so angry. WHY isn’t anyone taking this seriously? I have been in self-isolation for 12 days to protect myself but also every other human I may come in contact with. While everyone else is just acting like nothing is happening and they still have a life to live. In order for this to end, we have to start treating it seriously. I know around the world the panic levels are very different from country to country or even state to state. However, this is so serious that I need every single person to do their part for humanity and s t a y at h o m e no matter where you live.
Through all of this, my person looked at me and said, “one day at a time, we will get through this.” At that point I felt it, the one thing that every pandemic and crisis, and disaster doesn’t have – love. I took that and have ran with it every day since. This has been the one thing that I have made sure I spread during this and feel every single day. Whether it is from him, my sisters, or my mom (please make sure to call your mom every day, that is the only advice I can give you) I make sure to just call and say I love you, I’m here if you need anything at any point. That is the one thing that an apocalypse can’t take because it was there before and it will be there after.
When the world seems to be crashing in around you, take a deep breath and tell yourself you’re okay, you’re full of love, and that you will get through it because the rest of us are going through it too. Anxiety? Yep, got that. Bills? Yep, got that stress. Mess? YEP. Haven’t washed my hair in 4 days but I’ve been at home every day and have no excuse? Yep, done did that. Fur baby to take care of? Happily have that. Depression? Been there. Isolation? WE ARE ALL IN IT. The one thing that you can take away from this is that we are in the same boat right now no matter which part of life you are in. We are all in the same thing we wore yesterday and went to bed in and then woke up in again this morning. Drinking more coffee than water but I can’t sleep because I am more stressed out than a good night of sleep will allow me to get over. Sh*t happens, what can you do?
It’s called solidarity, sister. In the words of High School Musical.. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
hmadz.com 